the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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