Betty ford says i'm here all night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
