Betty ford says i'm here all night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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