Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
