if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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