The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
