Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
