Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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