im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
