Can i not drive my cunt home
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
