im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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