For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
