Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
