you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
