I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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