you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
