he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You dont lie about slip and slides
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
