Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
