I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
