I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
