btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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