Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
