ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
