My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
