She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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