It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
