Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so let's talk penis.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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