god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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