The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
