I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
