never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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