Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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