wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
