Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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