Ambien. No doubt about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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