Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
