It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
