Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
