Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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