it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
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High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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