If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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