He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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