I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
