"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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