So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
