How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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