Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
