Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
