3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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