angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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