Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
