Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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