I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
