Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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